The Lord has put it in my heart to write my testimony.

It is a hard thing for me to do. I am ashamed of what my life was like.

If it helps one person and they give their life to the Lord then it is well worth it.

I grew up in California; neither of my parents ever spoke of God except when my dad took His name in vain.

My dad was an alcoholic and was very cruel when he was drunk.

There were times he had to see blood running down my back before he would stop beating us kids.

There were three of us children at that point. Dennis was one year older than I; Donna was six years younger than me.

At the age of nine years old my dad started sexually abusing me. I was so afraid of him I never said a word to him. He told me I would go to jail if I said a word to anyone.

This went on for three years. I hated him. I would cry and run from him but this only made it worse.

I finally told my brother and ask him to help me. He was afraid of him too so he said he would not help me.

My brother finally told my Grandmother and told her what dad had been doing to me.

My Mother would not press charges against my dad, she said for I would have to go to court and tell everything.

I felt so unclean and became very angry, so I drew into myself, shutting off the rest of the world. I would not talk very much and was getting bad grades at school.

I started taking things that were not mine, it did not matter if I needed these things are not, I just took them.

The following year I started high school the first day I walked inside the school doors I encountered the shock of my life. Only to find out my brother went to school and told everyone who would listen what my dad had done to me.

My reputation was shot, you cannot even imagine the names I was called.

I had no friends at all.

One day I started hanging out with a girl who liked dating older men, usually in their twenties.

Even though I never did anything wrong with any of the guys I dated, many believed that I was promiscuous.

Later I started drinking; I thought it would help erase the horrible memories of my childhood. While drinking it seem to numb my feeling and I was able to smile.

Something I rarely did was smile.

Then it came to the point that I started sneaking out, my Mother never knew what was going on. As time passed it seemed that the anger bottled deep within me was becoming greater.

Later I got involved with a man that was twenty eight years old. I was thirteen at the time.

I begin sneaking out so I could meet him. We drank a few drinks and he decided to have his way with me. I told him no but he would not listen to me. I ran away from him but he caught up with me. I fought him and he started hitting me. I was screaming and got the attention of one of my Moms friends.

She made us both come into the house and begin talking to us. I never told anyone about that night no one spoke of it. I never saw the man again after that.

At the age of fourteen I begin to lie, was a thief, and pretty much was running wild.

My Grandmother told me that is was my fault for the things that had happen and now my Mother was always sad and was alone due to me.

I was feeling as if I was good for nothing, even though none of what had happened was my fault. I did not care for myself anymore I was angry at everyone.

I did help my Mother; she had another baby the year my dad left. I took care of the children through the week, helped with the cooking and cleaning. I managed to get my grades up in school. My Mother was clueless as to what was going on with me. I appeared to be doing well on the outside but inside was turmoil and pain and nothing seemed to help make it go away.

One of my friends made a date for me with a sailor she had been talking too. So I told my Mom I was going to a friend's house to study, but was planning on going out with the sailor.

When I didn't make it back home on time Mom started looking for me. She found me talking to him a block away from our home. I had never seen my Mom so mad.

I was sent to bed as if I were a five year old. I was so humiliated.

My Mom talked to the sailor until three a.m. She actually liked him. We dated for about five months. I finally gave in and at the age of fourteen was involved in a relationship. With a man that was in his twenties.

Two years later I married him. I found myself trapped in marriage. My husband was as abusive as my dad had been.

While he was in Viet Nam I lived with my Mother and finished school.

After he came home from the service we found our own place to live .He was unfaithful and had affairs one after another.

So now even after being married here I was lying, stealing, and committing adultery myself. Drinking and taking drugs as well.

My husband beat me regularly; just to keep me in line were his words.

I walked around looking like someone's personal punching bag. I would make up excuses that I had been in a fight at a bar or fell while rock climbing and fell.

I started taking more drugs got hooked on speed. I started working in bars. First I worked as a waitress. Then I started dancing in clubs. At one point I tended bar.

All the while my habit was increasing in the amount of alcohol, and drugs I was taking in.

I became pregnant and stopped everything I had been doing while I was pregnant, and

I gave birth to a baby girl.

I was clean for a short while but found my self back to my old ways, alcohol, pills, pot and I went to lots of parties. I went back to tending bar again as well.

I hated not being able to be with my baby girl while I was working. One night I had to work over because someone did not show up for their shift. My husband came to pick me up at work; He had left my daughter home alone while he came to pick me up. There was a fire at our home while he left and my daughter died in the fire.

The guilt tore me up and I only got worse with each passing day. I did not care if I lived or died. The pain inside me became so great and my life was spinning out of control, I went for days with no sleep. Always had a drink in my hand at work or home, popping pills like they were candy smoking pot like there was no tomorrow.

I became involved with many things that were a threat to my life and my freedom I was carrying a gun on me.

One day my husband was driving me to work and we were in an accident. Everyone said we should have died for the car was totaled to the point you could not tell what type of car it was.

My husbands back was broken; he had been thrown out of the car. I remained inside the car the injuries I received were seven broken ribs. One of which punctured my lung.

At one point the hospital thought my neck had been broken but turned out to be a bad whip lash.

The police cam and I was busted with poison of drugs and carry a gun. The drugs and gun were found inside my purse. I just knew I was going to jail. The gun I was carrying was hot. Things were looking pretty grim for me at this point.

So they set up a court date for me in a few months due to the fact we were in the hospital for almost a month.

When we were released from the hospital the first thing we did was head to the bar where I had worked. My husband started carrying on with one of the girls there. I was drinking and got half drunk and tried to start a fight. So he sent me home, I got a bottle of pain pills and took the whole bottle.

When my husband got home I was out cold. He did not want to take me back to the hospital because of the charges I had against me already.

So my husband put me in a tub of ice water. Then he walked me around I have not idea how long this went on. He did not want me to fall asleep all the while I was trying to fight him; kicking at him I kicked my leg through the bedroom wall all the way into the bathroom. Of course I broke some bones while fighting and kicking.

Three days were lost during this time I was not aware of anything around me. I only had a few memories of those three days. By rights I should have died from the overdose of pills I had taken.

When I finally got all of the pills out of my system, my husband took me to the hospital so I could have my broken leg set. The hospital wanted to know why I waited so long to come in and have this taken care of. I just told them I had refused to have it done.

We were still drinking and we got into a fight. He broke my arm, so back to the hospital for a cast on my arm.

As you are able to see God spared my life for at least two times if not more. I had lived such a violent life up to this point. At the time I was not aware that there was even a God.

When my court date came up I had a cast on my leg on my arm, and seven broken ribs.

They dropped the felony gun charge completely, gave me a misdemeanor possession charge on the drugs. They gave me three years probation and a two thousand dollar fine.

God was with me in that court room.

I cam out of that court room happy that I did not have to go to jail, I was still drinking but stopped taking any pills , I was still smoking pot. Stopped working in the bar.

It's 1977 and I am pregnant again. No more drinking for me. I wanted to be done with all of the stuff I had done.

My son was born May 1977 I still did not drink very much. We would not do things such as drinking or drugs in front of my son. When my son was four years old, I met a lady named Claudia. We worked at the same office. The Lord placed her in my life and He put it is her heart to talk to me and tell me about God.

We would talk during brakes and lunch. We were working on an army base so sometimes we would walk over to the chapel and pick up tracks to read then discuss what was written in them. Sometimes we would talk about our kids and what we were planning for the weekend.

One day we were sitting in her car it was a rainy day and we didn't want to sit in the brake room. I had question I wanted to ask her.

I turned in my seat and looked right into Claudia’s eyes. She always had a look in her eyes like she was smiling and content.

I was not sure so I just asked her out right. What do you have that I do not have? She told me she had Jesus in her heart and the Holy Spirit within her. I still did not quite understand, so we decided to go the chapel.

We picking up some more tracks to read that would help me to understand. We prayed and I asked Jesus into my life. We cried for a while and we laughed for awhile.

By the time we got back to the office we were both into trouble, we had completely lost tract of the time and were twenty minutes late.

Let me say this when I prayed with Claudia I felt as if the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. It was worth getting called on the carpet for getting back from lunch late to work.

After I gave my life over to the Lord it was not always easy I took a lot of beatings and emotional abuse from my husband. He was not happy. He called me everything he could think of. But mostly he called me a Jesus freak.

When he could not pull me away form my friend Claudia and the Lord. He moved us about 2300 miles from California.

I did not know any Christians in the state of Illinois. I felt so alone. We did not have a phone so I couldn't talk to Claudia anymore.

I read my Bible but I was such a baby in Christ and I just did not understand.

All my husbands' friends partied all weekend, every weekend. The alcohol flowed freely and the smoke filled the air.

I was miserable. One night I was praying and a voice told me you're just like Judas. I cried long and hard. I thought God didn't want me anymore. I quit reading my Bible and replaced it with alcohol and dope. My language got so bad it was a wonder someone didn't take a wire brush to my mouth to clean it up.

My husband was still having one affair after another. I just could not bring myself to do the same thing. I stayed home with my son but I sure wasn't a very good example for him.

Rick my son knew I love him but as far as example to how a Christian should behave I was way off base. I am sure I confused him completely.

The guilt was eating me alive. I had to get back to God to repent of all the things I had been doing wrong. My sins had me on my knees asking for forgiveness.

I kicked my husband out and started the divorce. My son went into the Marines and went to the Middle East. I gave him a Bible and prayed that he would read it.

I was back in church and my walk with the Lord filled me. I wanted more of the Lord. I still want more.

Until there is no me in this body only the Holy Spirit and my mind is on the Lord.

I am a long way from that place I want to be. Oh, but the journey is very exciting. I don't want to miss any part of it.

My son Ricky ask Jesus into his heart when he was in the service. I praise God daily for interceding and bring Ricky into the Kingdom.



I think about all my prayers that have been answered. God is so awesome and faithful to us.

I want to be in His will all the days of my life. I love being in His presence. He is everything and I am nothing.

I have made so many mistakes in my life. I made a horrible mess of everything. Through it all God loved me and never left my side.

He saved me many times. I know God hates sin but He loves me. It is hard to put into words my heart is filled with love for God.

God had filled my cup to over flowing. To serve Him is what my heart desires, that I would seek Him daily. Hear when He calls me. To always be humble before Him.

This is my life and my prayers is that maybe some one who doesn't know the grace of God will turn their life over to God to love and change your life.

If God can forgive me, He can forgive anybody. Don't waste time on things of the world. They will not bring you happiness. Give your heart to Jesus and receive all the blessings He is waiting to give you.



Linda © 2007